The Most Dangerous Idea in Coaching?

Robyn Patton
6 days ago
3 min read

Updated: 5 days ago

There’s this one concept in the coaching and personal growth world that has had me huffing and puffing for years. Every time it pops up somewhere, I roll my eyes, mutter a few fucking hells, and move on.

But not this time.

In amongst all the catch phrases and (potentially toxic) positivity out there, this one is not just unprofessional, it’s dangerous.

I have no doubt you’ve heard it before. It sounds like a variation of -

You create your own reality.
You manifest everything in your life - the good and the bad.
If you’re experiencing it, on some level you must have chosen it.
Your life is a result of your choices - if you want different results, make different choices.
Everything that happens in your life is of your own creation.

Now I gotta tell you, this idea - let’s call it extreme individual responsibility - has been floating around since my first foray into the personal development world, around the turn of the century🫣

Even back then it was incredibly popular. And so appealing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to believe they have that much control over their life? That the answer to suffering is simply changing your mindset, or your beliefs or your practices?

And yet... it never sat right for me.

None of my professional training or frontline experience could align with this concept.

I mean, what if I’d said this to my previous clients at the Rape and Sexual Assault Service? Or didn’t say it, but quietly believed it?

What about the people I worked with in community health - where we understood health and wellbeing through the lense of the Social Determinants of Health. Things like income, housing, education, employment, early childhood experience, access to healthcare, safety, social support…

This idea of extreme individual responsibility? It’s a highly privileged, selective framework.

In one fell swoop it erases the context of a person's life, ignores their trauma history and sidesteps undeniable inequality.

It’s definitely not trauma-informed and it’s certainly not grounded in social justice.

Us humans are not blank slates. We are shaped by systems, relationships, histories and environments.

Sure, personal agency plays a role. But let’s not pretend we’re all starting from the same place on the same playing field with the same rules.

It might make catchy copy and sell tickets to your workshop.

But it’s not just unrealistic. It’s harmful.

At the very least, it’s a sign that this isn’t a safe space for deeper, more meaningful reflection on how real change happens.

It places blame on individuals for things they never asked for and couldn’t control.

As service providers, it's up to us to be trauma-informed and aware of structural inequality. To examine our privilege, stay curious about our blind spots and resist the pull toward messaging that perpetuates outdated ableist, capitalist, racist, patriarchal and individualistic narratives that do more harm than good.

I’m all for mindset work and exploring the inner world, it makes up the bulk of my work. I know we can hold space for both personal power and the realities of the systems we live in.

But come on, we can do better than gaslight people in the name of growth.